A weekend full of love and answers

Tomorrow I will continue with the essay, today I mastered the secret behind driving.

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Anxious

The heart is pounding in my chest not calmly, it is jumping irregular and I’m scared. Why does it feel like this? Everything is alright so why am I feeling like this?

I take a deep breath “1, 2, 3,4” I relax for a second then it starts again. When did it began? Why can’t it stop ? And why do I feel so frightened. I just know one thing and that’s that this is not going to control my life.

Hi

I’m sitting in the library and I have no clue what to write next on my essay. So I made up some rules for how I should use or not use social media.

  • Instagram- I will not use Instagram until next week .
  • Snapchat-  I will only use snapchat four times a day ( I start with that maybe less later)
  • Facebook- I will use messenger  but not the other part of Facebook ON MY CELLPHONE, I can use it on my computer. This will make it easier for me to focus on more important things in life.

Why did I decide this now?

Well I feel quiet miserable when I go to the stories on snapchat and see when someone has a better day than me, I feel lonely very lonely and stressed. I logout from instagram since it started to take over my life, all I could think of was how many followers I had and how good my photos were. Facebook bring to much stress “like this”, “tag her”, “tag that”. Then I was stressed when people commented horrible and unfair things. Social media ruin relationships and I don’t want to be a part of it. I want to relax, be offline and fix myself.

Unhealthy

I’ve got a weird little feeling that I recognise too well. Either I am very stressed or anxious, I know why and that’s why I’m going to do something about it.

  • Focus on the good thoughts, I can be thinking about the bad things too much, I can analyse every bad thing that happened in my life, why not focus on the good things?
  • Social media. Sometimes I am to busy thinking about how my instagram feed will look like or who have uploaded something on their  story.

I’m done with feeling stressed about this I’m going to focus on the important things in life.

I think that my blog is a tool to think less because I write every little thought here more or less, so yeah… I will continue with the blog.

Night thoughts

I don’t see myself as a victim because I’m a sensitive person, I see myself as a strong person. I dare to show what I feel but sometimes it is tough.

I don’t wanna cry when I can be tough and independent.

I don’t want to think about something that happened hours ago, I want to move on.

I don’t want to forget the words and then remember them when it’s too late.

I don’t want to be afraid for how the other person will feel, I want to make myself feel good.

I want to go to sleep with no worries but the brain let me down.

Monday

The sun is shining I guess and I’m in school writing on my essay. I think I love to have something I must do so I don’t sit at home and feel horrible for my messy apartment. This Friday I got some good news that I will tell you soon and the future is looking bright again. Life is indeed a rollercoaster and now it tickles in my belly.

The week is looking like this:

Monday:

Nothing really, I’m just going to write until my fingers bleed and the library is closing.

Tuesday:

Driving school and I need to wake up pretty early and then study.

Wednesday:

I’m going to meet the HSP-coach in Gothenburg again. Please don’t hate me Gothenburg but I must say that I fear for going to that place since I need to go through malls and there are tons of people. I don’t like the thought of so much people that are moving in the same time but the coach is great. Then after that I’m going to the choir.

Thursday:

I’m studying the whole week actually since I need to finish this essay so I can study for something else.

Friday:

I am going to Helsingborg and I’m going to meet my “family”, my bf is going to meet the “family” for the first time. With “family” I mean my childhood friends. Some of them have known me since I was nine years old, they new me when I needed anger management and cried for more than I cry for today.

Have a nice Monday!

16 questions with me – get to know me more!

  • How do you feel right now

I am veeeeery nervous, because a thing I can’t tell yet. The sun is shining and I’m thinking of going to see some art at the culture house.

  • Where are you in ten years?

In ten years am I 32 years… I hope I will have two kids at least maybe 3, a Filip, a cool car and a puppy… no puppies and I’ll be working as preschool teacher or writer or both. I will live in a little city since I hate crowded people and big cities.

  • Where were you ten years ago?

I was 12 years old I felt so unsure about everything, I was frightened about getting my period, I had no clue about my life.

  • How much do the sensitive part of you affect your life ?

Very much, I can be angry at one minute and be sad the other and then I’ll laugh. I cry when things don’t go as I want. I can’t handle the fact that I don’t always will have the control. Luckily I am going to a HSP coach in Gothenburg, just to learn myself how to handle all the feelings. I am happy that my boyfriend accept me for who I am because sometimes I don’t accept myself for who I am.

  • How did you learn Spanish?

I studied Spanish from 12 years old to 17 years old and then I studied Spanish at the university. I spent three weeks in Spain. Most of all, I didn’t give up, I wanted to speak Spanish fluently and I didn’t give up when I couldn’t study Spanish in school, I found new ways of learning like writing to my relatives in Colombia, downloading language apps on my phone and going to Spain when I didn’t know anyone.

  • What are your plans for Colombia and your biofamily ?

I am going to Colombia with my sis this summer, I would like to travel in Colombia with my man and I will always stay in touch with my family because they are and will always be my family!

  • Where is the book you’ve always wanted to write?

I will write a book ! I love to write! But my priority is my education for now !

  • What did you fell for when you fell in love with your boyfriend?

He is unique, I could be myself from the first time I met him. I still remember our first kiss. We sat in the sofa because I needed to study and he kissed me very fast and he surprised me but he put a smile on my face and my face turned red.

  • What are your interests ?

I like books, art and music. I also like to sing which is the reason why my neck is broken, I talk like an old lady.

  • Did adoption affect your love life?

I think so actually. I have always been afraid to be abounded. I couldn’t relax with the other guys because I was afraid they were going to find someone better and leave me. Now I’m not that afraid but I still hate when we fight because I don’t want to loose him, sometimes I want him to be extra caring since I still have that fear inside of me. It’s getting better and better the longer we have been a couple, the less I’m afraid. I still need to convince myself that I deserve him and he deserve me, that I am could enough for him and that he loves me very much.

  • What do you do when you’re in a bad mood?

I… do the dishes and clean the apartment. If I’m in a bad mood for no reason I’ll be quiet for a long time.  When I’m sad I talk with someone I want someone to comfort me and I have a bad habit and that is to listen to sad songs.

  • How many kids do you want to have?

Between two and four. I don’t want an “odd” number of kids because then some of them will feel left out, but I know that I had a good childhood with my siblings.

  • What do you love about yourself?

I like to surprise people, I can be very spontaneous and do things people never thought I would do. I love that because thanks to that I have my boyfriend and some of my friends.  I am very honest and say when I feel that something is unfair.

  • What are your weaknesses?

I cry too much, I think I cry too much. People think I am weak and can’t take bad news and I when I notice the tears I think “Oh god… here we go again”.

  • What did your parents teach you?

My dad did teach me that “If I haven’t tried it yet I can’t say that I don’t like it”

My mom did teach me ” take a deep breath and write down your worries then you’ll know what you need to do”.

  • What do you think about culture crashes?

I am very happy for being a Swedish Colombiana. I don’t agree with some of the opinions that they have in Colombia. I’m a bit sad for loosing their culture, I want to cook colombian dinner, I want to dance bachata. I will just try to like how everything is. I can still get to know the colombian culture and learn the language even more I’m no quitter at all so I’m not giving up about anything!

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