I started from the bottom now I’m back

I’m having my internship at a kindergarten and it is not a random kindergarten. It is the kindergarten that I went to when I was younger and that brings back so many memories, like when I hated to go out and rather stayed inside to draw something or make puzzels. ¬†When I’m in Helsingborg, going to my kindergarten and meeting the kindergarten teachers I used to have, it’s like I’m going back 20 years in time. I’m remembering how my mom saw me and the feeling when I was going home. I remember the walks to the forest and the sings we sang. I’m also remembering the feeling of getting to the kindergarten and everyone are loud and I’m tired. I’m remembering the children I used to play with. The boy who ran after me so I ran into the teacher and lost my tooth.

I didn’t know much about the world, everything I thought of was when my mom was coming and all the toys I wanted to own and play by myself.

That makes me think about three things 1. Everything was so simple back then 2. I miss my grandfather who used to babysit me and joke around with me. 3. I can’t wait until I will create my own family so my parents can be the best grandfather and grandmother ever.

However this isn’t where everything started. It started in Colombia as you already know and the first thing I probably saw was a nurse and a hospital.

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Disappointment

I hate to get disappointed and I’m afraid to be disappointed, I think it is because I’ve been hurt and disappointed too much in my life. I just want to do whatever it takes to not get disappointed, when my mom asks if I passed the assignment and I have no idea because even though I used to hand in the assignment weeks ago and that I probably can see the results. I’m so afraid to see that I failed and that I’m not going forward with the studies. Actually I’m afraid to be disappointed in my personal life as well. I can skip asking a certain person a certain thing because I’m afraid to get the answer that my gut is telling me that I’m going to get, the negative answer. I know, some people tell me that what is the worst that could happen. Well disappointment is kind of horrible for me and I’m getting all anxious if it’s worth asking that question or not or if it is worth seeing the results or not.

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A big WHY?

The world is unfair, life is unfair. It is so unfair how I can live in peace and the worst preoccupation I have is if I’m going to get that drivers license or if I’m going to pass the tests. While in Colombia my brother needs to move to another city because of the fact that he is afraid that someone is going to kill him. If I was afraid that somebody might want to kill me, I would call the police but the police can’t help you in the same way as they can here. This is one of many reasons why I don’t complain about small silly things or the fact that I don’t have time or I don’t want to care about if anyone is saying dumb things about me. The only thing I care about is my friends and family and right now I want to find out one way to solve all these things so my brother can live with my mom again. Why is the world so stupid?

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The darkness is here

The autumn is here and everything that seemed so easy when it was summer, seems so impossible when the rain is falling and the sun is hidden.

I’m a high sensitive person and things like the weather, music and the food I eat can affect how I feel and how I take challenges.

The last autumn was very hard for me, I lost my grandfather three weeks before my birthday and everything in school just fell apart. This autumn is going to be better but October 13th will feel like the darkest day ever.

Unlike the last year, I don’t feel alone and if I feel alone I know that people will be there for me and since I’m taking a break from this semester in school I will not be stressed. So the only challenge for me will be to make October and November the greatest months ever even though it’s hard because of the past and the darkness. I will need to see the positive things about these months and think about that it’s my birthday in November and that I will be 22.

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Hsp is a thing you know

I’m so tired of people thinking that I can decide to not overreacting and to not take everything so seriously. I was told that I can search professional for that and that I just need to change my way of thinking. No shit sherlock, don’t you think that I’ve tried? That I’ve always thought that I was cocoloco and not really healthy in my head?

The hardest thing is when people I love think that I need to stop overreacting. That make me think that they don’t accept me of who I am and don’t take me seriously.

Sorry for the negativity I just need to write this here so people who are HSP know that they are not alone and all the others to be more careful with what you say and how you treat others.

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Believe in yourself

Dare to dream about things because that make you keep hoping and keep doing your very best. I want to write one example:

When I was twelve I decided to study Spanish, not so I could the basic words and sentences, I wanted to speak as fluent Spanish like any Latina. When I realized we studied Spanish-spanish (the words and sentences they say in Spain) I wasn’t happy with that.

I watched telenovelas very much and I talked with my family in Colombia even though I was shy and I guess that was why I got good grades in Spanish.

Now I have two dreams:

– To reach out to as many as I can with this blog, because I want people to know that adoption isn’t about getting a baby and then everybody are happy.

– I want to be like Jane Austen and J.K Rowling, I know it’s pretty unbelievable but I will keep dreaming until I get there.


Do you know what I’m dreaming of more?

  • To meet Shakira face to face and tell her how much she saved me when I felt miserable about things when I was younger.
  • Travel to Colombia and this time be more independent and travel where I want without following my biological family.
  • I know this is crazy but once I saw an engagement on a ed Sheehan concert. And I thought, I want that too, mom thought that was a bit too romantic but she’s not me.
  • I’m dreaming of having beautiful kids who will look like me.
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DNA

DNA and the genes are so cool, they define a part of us and we get that from our parents. Before I found my biological family I didn’t care so much about the DNA, I thought that I’m unique, maybe I’m weird sometimes because my siblings are not like me. Then I found my family and I realised that there are people who look like me and there are a person that I got my eyes from and a part of my personality.

I know that a part of my personality is from how I grew up but not my skinny legs or brown eyes and the fact that I have allergies and difficulties why my sight.

I am that kind of person who want to know as much as possible, so yeah I want to know a bit more about my biological dad. Not because I kind of miss him (I have a dad already). I want to know if it is from him I got these bad parts of my personality and if he had as big nose and spongebob squarepants- shape of the head. Yes he is dead and when I tell people that I don’t sound a bit sad because I didn’t know him. I just want to know more about where I came from.

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Smoothie

Oh god everybody should by their own mixer and make themselves a smoothie. Delicious and more healthy than soda.

So what’s up for today? Well my DNA test is almost finished and I can’t wait to see the result!

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What do you do when you’re unemployed?

Seriously I've been unemployed since the start of the summer, I've been searching everywhere and I'm starting to get anxious. I want to earn my own money so I can:

  • Be more independent from my parents.
  • I can buy that camera I've always wanted.
  • I can go to Colombia with my boyfriend (honestly he needs to meet the whole family)
  • I can just stop worry about the economic situation.

So how do I keep the hope alive?

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I hear your voice and you remind me of how much I miss you

I’ve tried to stay strong by thinking that he is alright and I’m alright. Then Jhon got a new cellphone and sent me a voice message. I was reminded all over again that I miss him so much. It’s kind of cool how the love is so strong even though I met him for the first time when I was eighteen. I hope that I soon will have the time to go to my other family since they are a big part of me.

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