This day was awesome except the allergy that made me feel a bit miserable but that made me stay at gym . Everything is falling into places and towards the right way and I am so excited about the summer. I got lightroom and photoshop so now I’m finally going to be a photographer for real.
I am so tired of being afraid, being afraid to tell people the truth about how I feel and how I have felt. Being afraid I won’t succeed to follow my dreams even though I love what I’m doing. Afraid to regret what I have chosen. When I’m afraid I am very sure about wanting to escape, escape from the situation, escape from the place, escape from the feelings and escape from the anxiety.
I’m tired of that. I’m tired of the feelings controlling me. I am the one who decides, not the fear. I’m the one who has dreams.
From no on I will slowly follow my dreams. Step by step. I will also let the fear go an actually tell people when I am happy. I’m sick of crying and feel miserable.
Let’s begin with me following my photo dreams. You’ll follow it here since it is an open journal (I’m better at writing here than my private journals).
It’s time for things to happen.
Good Monday everybody!
I hope you all will have a great week so what happened this week with me?
I was at a car event with my fiancé, since he is a carguy and I dreamt some weird dreams.
I must say that when I have a bad feeling about something like when I felt sad about being apart from my colombian family (happens very often) and when I fell asleep everything was so much worse in my nightmare than in real life and I wake up sad. This time it wasn’t a nightmare or it depends but a dragonfly were chasing me and I was about to lower my head the only problem was that I did that for real and banged my forehead into my boyfriends head and both woke up. Yes it was kind of funny, I wonder what I will dream next.
You know when you’re crying about that everything is going to hell and then someone is going to say that everything is going to be okay, well listen to them!
These following days was all about that I am trying to solve everything that I’m worrying about in my head and everything is good when my anxiety isn’t giving me a hard time.
Here’s my positive list:
- I got some new friends.
- I’m trying to dedicate myself to something that I love. The photography.
- I am working so I’m not completely poor.
- Me and my fiancé has been together for two years in Monday.
- I am getting fit.
My negative list:
- I don’t have a summer job, but I am searching like a crazy one.
- I still can’t be in crowded spaces with alcohol drinking people.
So hah anxiety you loose!
Oh my god so much I’ve changed since I’ve left Varberg. I got a job that challenges me and is very fun, I got my dream work this autumn, and…
I’ve gained weight. You know how I’ve always felt that I have spaghetti legs and spaghetti arms. This is because I don’t eat when I feel depressed. At the end of the time when I lived in Varberg I started to go to the gym but that wasn’t enough, I needed to eat but I couldn’t, you know I felt that it was no meaning to do that. The more you exercise the hungrier you get and that was the reason to get my appetite back + my fiancé + I feel more like home here than Varberg. Soon I will go to the gym to gain more muscles then I will go by bike home again.
Okay… I don’t how to describe my start of the week, it was a real roller coaster, is my life meant to be a roller coaster? Usually a person experience a roller coaster during a month but I experience it during two days. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am very emotional about everything.
One of the things that happened was that I will work full time this autumn with DAMDADAM school photographer!
Now I hope the upcoming days will be full of that feeling when I got the call that I got the job.
Miss this cutie.
I lay in the bed with the phone in my hand, “should I call or should I wait?” then the overthinking begin. I don’t really what to say to him, I’m not used to these kinds of work calls. I look at the number “I can call later, he’ll understand, then I can go to the gym”. I think , think and think then I make the decision “what the h*ll it is just a call about work”. I dial the number and forbid myself to repent. When I have made the call I laugh at myself for making everything bigger than it is.
I hate it, that anxiety has such a power over my daily life. I make everything bigger in my head. It makes me afraid, afraid to be left alone, afraid that people will laugh at me and afraid to lose it all.
Somehow I manage to confront it, to decide who’s in charge. In my weakest moment like when I’m tired, when I don’t have energy to confront it. It comes back to me like a fog after a car with no good filter. I can’t see clearly and I think the end is near.