Hate these tears

I decided to write a book about my life, I’ve just begun. So i had to think and remember the first time I met my biological for the first time. I needed to remember every little feeling I had back then. And it’s hard to look back at this because I was so happy with them and so sad when we left Colombia. I remember how much I cried on the flight home, I cried the whole flight from Bogota to Frankfurt, I slept very much but when I was awake I cried and was angry. When we was in Frankfurt and we were waiting for the flight to Denmark I cried even though it was my birthday. I even started to cry on the last flight. When we met my adoptive mom at the airport I cried and then I was happy I was home.

But when I went to sleep I continued to cry. I wasn’t myself the following weeks. And I didn’t find anything good in life in Sweden. If I didn’t went to school I should lay in bed. I guess I was depressed. I don’t cry as much as I did then but sometimes I miss them so much that I start to cry, the good memories make me cry because I had a good time.

Now I think it is healthy to cry but when I went to school I kept everything for myself until I couldn’t take it anymore. So I started to cry for a tiny little thing anyone said.

I guess my boyfriend saved me because for a while I was really depressed. I felt lonely and lost and I thought nobody understood my problems. But now I have other things to think about.

I can be happy because I know I will return to Colombia and I know what to do in the future. If you’re sad or depressed remember that soon everything will be better even though it can take a while.

A funny thing is that when I started to write this post I cried and I had to dry my nose and now I’m happy again and feel ready to go out with the dogs.

These questions about the roots Because

Today I was at the employment Agency (is it the correct word?) because I need a job and if I don’t get one I need unemployment benefits (?) God I’ve never used these words in other languages than swedish. So I had to tell the lady where I have worked before. And suddenly she just asked “Where are you born?” and I wasn’t prepared for that type of questions so it took a while for me to answer then I answered “ehh Colombia..”. I mean why does she need to know that? either way I’ve never got these type of questions since I was like fourteen or something and now I’m not embarrassed to say where I come from because I know almost everything about my roots.

One time when I went to the doctor, she asked me if there were anyone in my family who had heart deceases. And I had to think a while because first I thought about my grandfather here in Sweden then I remembered “Right…we’re not blood related”  so I told here the truth that I was adopted and didn’t know, then she had to know more about me because for her it sounded interesting but for me it’s annoying to tell non-adoptees about my roots.  Because adoptees know how it is and they listen and understand but when non-adoptees hear about it they just think it’s interesting and entertaining like a movie or a book, something you can tell the family when you’re eating or tell your friends.

When I miss colombia

2015/01/img_2165.jpg

Oh my god I don’t know why I thought of this earlier but I made a list on my spotify account and I named it “I miss Colombia”. On this playlist I only have songs by artists from Latin America, mostly Colombia. So when I feel like I miss Colombia or my bio family I just listen to this playlist and like thinking about when I was there. It helps because after a few songs I’m much happier.

The memories of you

I’m sitting in a house, it’s cold outside. I’m thinking of you for a while, then I’m starting to worry about what I should write to my boyfriend and then the day goes on. But at the night I’m thinking about you again and what you and my other brothers are doing. I’m falling asleep after I thought of you. I miss you, my brother

Yesterday, me and my sister talked to her biological family through skype, she wanted me to be there because I am the only one who can translate, and when she’s talking to them she’s very nervous. So we talked to them until I needed to sleep. It’s kind of cool because I’ve been in their house so I recognize the room they are talking from and it is bringing back some memories.

So when I went to sleep I remembered everything more, and I started to miss my own family, it’s good that I can write to them but it’s not the same when I am in the same room as them. I remember every day when I woke up, they asked me how I slept and then came with breakfast to me. And when I played with my little cousin, she just wanted to play so my brother had to tell her that I am tired.

I’m looking forward to meet them, Pipe is probably taller and not like a little baby anymore, and Diego is a teenager so maybe he had changed. I miss Fabians smile and laughter. And then Jhon, my brother with the same blood and genes…

I’m feeling older

Since I can’t sleep I decided to write a bit.

Today was my sisters birthday, now she’s 15 and it feels special because now she’s not a little girl, I remember when I was 15, it feels like it was yesterday. I hope she’s enjoying the time because soon she will be an adult with responsibilities.

And yeah now I’m unemployed, I’m looking for a job until the summer (will go to colombia in the summer) and then I want to study to a preschool teacher or kindergarten teacher.