Hide it so you can continue

It was morning, me and my dad was eating breakfast on our way to grandma and grandpa, when he brought it up. The subject that can make my heart go into peases. “So how is it with him”, I answered quickly and short “good.”. My dad knows me too well, he isn’t like the rest of my family whom let it be until I bring it up or crying. “Come on I know it’s not good”. “Daaaad I don’t want to talk about it” , “Bad for you, now you’re going to tell me everything until we’re going to the car” . I didn’t respond, instead of that I went to the bathroom and then we went to the car.

The truth is, I don’t want the pain, so a few weeks after I met him, I decided to not fall in love with him but then I lost against my heart. 

Same thing with the bad parts about being adopted. I don’t want to feel bad, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I literally HATE when people do feel sorry for me. So I keep making jokes about that I was imported to Sweden, the same way bananas do.

Sometimes I want someone to say “Ebba I know everything isn’t ok”. But it can’t just be anyone, I hate to feel weak, because I know there are people who feel worse. I’m still looking for that person who can take care of me when I’m sad. Sadly… I only know one person and that’s Jhon.


You wanna hide your feelings

People say that I’m so calm, and always happy. Well that’s because I hate to be vulnerable. Maybe it’s because I have trust issues as well, so when I’m somewhere and something makes me sad, I start to cry when I come home. It was one time when I was so angry at a teacher that I yelled at her, the classmates always thought I was shy and happy but that time I didn’t care about who saw me.

After the first time I was in Colombia, I was sad, angry and confused. And I kept everything for myself. That made me so broken, I didn’t felt good at all. But then I finally talked with my parents.

And last year, I couldn’t handle the fact that the Spanish course was so hard, I forced myself to be the best and then I failed I didn’t feel good at all. So it lead to a panic attack.

Hate this but now I feel like shit again.

Two weeks until my bff is here !

In the beginning of september last year. I met her for the last time. I wondered how much life was going to be without her and I was a bit upset. But a few weeks after I guess I needed to move on. But every time something was happening in my life I wrote it to her, so in a way she has been in my life these months. I’m very glad that she’s coming back home so we can continue with the parties and talking !!

Destructive love

I heard a true thing today (Valentine’s Day theme).

You know when you’re in love with this guy, you like him so much so just a simple “good morning beautiful ” can make you smile the rest of the day. But you start to think, he is too perfect to be true, there must be something wrong. And you don’t want to get hurt so after a while you just start to building this walls to your feelings. You just can’t enjoy the time because you are afraid that someday he will say “you know that it was a joke” or “let’s just be friends” . That’s horrible and I don’t know how to stop that…


No one understand

Even though “Nobody understands me” is my most usual sentence, I must say that in this case, people don’t understand.

A friend told me that she wanted to adopt a child when she’s older, and I told her my opinion and she told me that “well I can’t be bad to do it”, ehm yeah!

This is my opinion:

If a child have a mom, or a family that love the child. The only problem is the money, but the child will stay happy, maybe the money is a problem in that case, I think the family will get money from the state.

If a child have a mom or family that love the child, but is adopted anyway. You don’t know how the child will feel, maybe it will be bullied, or just be depressed because the child don’t feel like it is home.

But if a child is left alone on the street, is abused by the parents or if the parents have died. I think it’s ok to adopt these kind of children because they can only feel better not worse.

And my adoption about adoptive families is that they should not give a child to anyone. They need to educate the parents about that a adoptive child, not is a normal child. The life begun before them and they need to know that. They need to be more open about the adoption. They need to be more careful, because there are a big chance that the child will not feel good all the time. maybe you can’t help the child by yourself, but try to contact a psychology who knows about adoption or take contact to an adult adoptee who can talk with the child.