I talked with an important person to me yesterday, when I got a panic attack. He said I’m thinking too much, and he’s right. My problem is that I have too many bad thoughts, I worry too much and I don’t know why, I really need to relax, I need to trust people like he won’t leave me, I will graduate, my grandfather is going to be ok and everyone (family) in Colombia will not die or everything else.
But still I can’t be selfish, I can’t trust that my mom or dad will help me if I’m in need of help.
When something happens to a friend you don’t even wish should happen to your worst enemy, you feel helpless. I feel more than helpless, he needs to know that I am there for him and that he can talk to me, but he is too far away. A christmas night, when I was happy and excited over meeting my old friends again, he called me. He told me the horrible news and I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say, I just said “Oh noo”. I went to my mom and told her what happened and cried for a while. Then I told the bad news to my friends (who are his friends as well). I suggested we should get together, so we did.
And it actually felt good to be together with my friends after we been far from each other, but I know that he will feel bad, feel sad and angry for a long time now. And I know I can’t make him feel better, but I want him to know that I am there for him, so I guess that will be what’s going to be my priority when I have free time and can go to Helsingborg.
Fuck cancer </3
Isn’t it cool how you can belong to different groups of people that define who you are. Just because you are for example from Denmark, that doesn’t define who you are at the office you’re working at and if you go to Denmark, people define you as Swedish.
That’s why I can get frustrated about racism sometimes. Just because you are from different country that doesn’t define if you are a good mother or a good teacher, that just define where you come from.
I thought of this today, when I was listening to a lecture by one of my favorite lecturer.
What defines me is:
- I’m from Colombia
- I live in Sweden
- I’m from Helsingborg
- I will be a kindergarten teacher
- Who my siblings are
- Who my parents are
And much more!
I hate this, I’m sure there are something wrong with me but I don’t know what. My heart beats like house music sometimes and I got this horrible panic attack, a week ago. I felt nauseas, dizzy and I couldn’t breath. I know that I felt stressed for a very long time but I’m afraid there are something more. And I can’t relax until I know what’s wrong so it’s like an evil circle.
Today is my grandfathers birthday, we celebrated his birthday two days ago. He has been through a lot but thank god he is still alive. Our family is so close to each other, especially on my mothers side and I love my grandfather so much, he can both be very funny but very strict as well (I think that’s why my mother is strict and my uncle is funny).
My mom told me that when she were in Colombia to adopt me, she had to wait for the papers from the court and that took very long time. My grandfather was worried so when we came home, he bought me a painting!