I look at you and the brain stop working
I look at you and the heart beats faster
When I talk to you something weird happens
You make me mad because I lose control
I want you and I don’t know why
Yesterday something happened that made me more motivated about life, I decided to not go to the counselor anymore, I feel perfect, I got strength to change my thoughts and do things on my conditions.
And also I colored my hair and changed hairstyle, why? Because I’m sick of having long hair and I needed to change on the outside because I’ve already changed on the inside.
I love to talk with people, I love to interact with people. But I always keep a distance to people, I’m having this fasad to people. Even my nearest friends don’t know how I feel about things, they have never seen me cry about personal things, they always think of that little girl who is energetic , either she’s happy- very happy. Or she’s angry- very angry. I just can’t open up and talk about emotional things with people. I have only one friend who knows my deepest thoughts and my sister of course. But yesterday something happened that made me want to change that. Because I will lose if I am reserev as I am and this person… I will just try to not do the same misstake twice.
A few days ago my brother Jhon called me through whatsapp. It was so overwhelming to hear his voice after all this time so at the end of the call I started to cry. I cried and I couldn’t stop, and I knew that the only person who could stop me from crying was my mom so I called her:
“You don’t sound quite happy”
“…Jhon called me!!!!”
“Has anything happened to him?”
“No but I miss him and It was so emotional to hear his voice”
“Oh… you scared me, I thought anything happened to them…”
And then I continued to talk about irrelevant things.
Sometimes it is so emotional to hear him, to write with him because I know that he miss me and I miss him but it’s an ocean between us. However I’m very happy to soon be a aunt or tia as it is in spanish. Jhons girlfriend is going to give birth very soon and honestly I don’t know how I will react when it’s happening. I think I will cry of happiness but then I will wish that I was there because that’s my biggest wish right now when I will be aunt…TWO TIMES. I can’t wait! Please GOD make the time go faster!
To start a new year is like turning page, to look forward more than look at the past. I know it sounds like something you just say but this time I mean it. The past year was full of things that I can’t make undone. And it was full of grief, I’m still sad for what happened but I can live with it. So yesterday… suddenly it was 2017 and I was an emotional wreck but yeah I wasn’t sober. I wish I could promise myself that this year will be a good year but I don’t know, actually I have no idea. But I can still make things differently. Happy new year everybody, yeah I know it was a while since I wrote here but I wanted to spend some time with my family.