Two weeks ago a girl was born, her name is Karen Alejandra and she is my niece, my brother’s daughter. I am so happy to be a part of this. I continue to think how it would be if I didn’t found my mom 2012. They all would be like strangers to me. Now I will be a part of my niece life. Even if I live in Sweden, she will know who I am.
Soon I also will have a nephew, Juan Jose and I can’t wait. i’m still a bit sad that I live so far away but I keep try to see the positive about it, that they all know and will know who I am. They all will be able to be a part of my life as I am a part of their life. I can’t cry over the past anymore because the past is the past and can’t change. I can still affect how the future will be, I can decide if and when I want to see them. I will still feel sad sometimes but I will feel happy most of the time because they are alive and they are happy.
The counsellor asked me “what did you do before the panic attack, what trigged you to feel what you felt?”. I sat quiet and started to go through that day in my mind. “My grandmother called me, she said there were something about Colombia on tv, I changed channel and watched that” . So I must admit that it is kind of a grief about being adopted. The day I was leaving Colombia, I was leaving a part of me. But as many kinds of griefs I can choose to accept it and live with it. I can accept that I can feel sad and angry sometimes and I will not keep my feelings for myself even though it feels easier sometimes.
In the future I will do anything to let Juan Jose and Karen Alejandra know that I love them and I will love them even though I am living so far away. I love their fathers and their grandmother and I will love them now and forever.
I’ve been through a lot since I left my parents to live on my own. I remember the first night alone, I felt so lonely and lost, I didn’t know what to do and how to do things. The first months it felt like I lived another girl’s life, like I was going to return to that safe house on the street where I’ve always been living. I was worried about how everything would be without a mom who could help me study or a dad who said when I should study.
It made me depressed. And I wanted to move back to mom and dad, I wanted to do what I did before. I don’t like changes and this change made me feel so lost.
After a while I realised that I was responsible over myself, I needed to take care of myself I could live after my own rules, I was free. I could live my life and have fun without any parents judging me (so I could hear it).
But that didn’t make me feel better since I so wanted to live on my own and be independent but I couldn’t do certain things on my own. I was stressed and many things happened as well, bad things. I wanted to drink the sadness away but it was a bad idea because when I came home at night and was alone or was with someone, I started to cry.
So what have I learned?
I need to ask people for help sometimes, not anyone can handle everything by themselves, they need to share it with anyone. So now I talk with my mom, sister, grandmother and friends when something makes me feel upset.
During this time I have changed in many ways. I was at the supermarket with my dad, we were buying some food and he asked me if I wanted some ham to breakfast, and I said “No… In Varberg I eat more vegetarian, I only eat chicken (as meat)”. That was one of many examples of how I changed. I’m happy for who I am and I’m ready for next chapter.
I used to have trust issues, because I was afraid that someone would leave me the way I was given away for adoption. But I’ve changed, the trust issues are gone, I still don’t trust everyone I meet but I don’t let that keep me away from meeting new people, why? I don’t really know but I think it’s because:
- I found my biological mother and my life turned out to be great even if I’m adopted.
- If you never risk anything, you’ll never win, you’ll just wonder how it could have been.
- I will learn from my mistakes, even though it will hurt, but I’m still young… I have a lot to learn.
Yesterday I couldn’t study because… I was still tired from the weekend hahah. But today I promised myself to stop worry about everything else and just focus on this. So my apartment will look a bit messy but I need to practice on not get upset when I haven’t cleaned the house so I can focus. So yeah… on Friday I will return with more news about my life and my opinions.
I have a friend, he came to Sweden by himself without any family from Syria , I met him for the first time last year in the summer. He started to talk with me and my friends very fast, even though he sometimes don’t talk good Swedish, he still want to talk as much as possible. Now, almost a year later he moved to another city and I don’t meet him that much he still write to me and my friends. He still care about how we feel and what we are up to. To see him be happy and accomplish everything he want to do make me see things from another perspective. It makes me so happy that he value his friends so much even though we haven’t talked so much.
In fact, valentines day in Colombia and in many other countries is called “El dia de amor y amistad” (the love and friendship day). So I try to see it like that. I wasn’t one of the “I hate this day”- people. I try to see the love in everything, like I’m so thankful for my friends and family. I love my family for taking care of me when I didn’t feel so good, I love my family for bringing the joy and happiness in my life and for being there when I’m miserable. The one true love will come when it comes. It is not like I’m sitting at home and just really hate on the valentines day. Even if I’m single I got a valentines gift from my friend and she wrote a not that said ” we single people stick together”. So my valentines day wasn’t horrible at all.