I believe in love again

The most beautiful thing happened yesterday. My uncle has been divorced from an earlier marriage for a long time, and when I was younger he was dating a lot  but seven years ago he met a woman and they have been together ever since but they were not married. 

I love my uncle very much, he is like a combination between a father and a brother and he always does the fun things with me and my siblings. 

Yesterday it was his birthday party with 100 guests and it was very fun. The most fun was that I was the camera woman, I filmed every speech and there were a lot of speeches. Suddenly my uncle were going to have his own speech he said things like “The only person who I miss here is my dad” then I cried a bit. He continued with “…but there is one thing I want to say” and he started to go to his girlfriend and I was chocked. Then he proposed and I cried, I cried because I wish my grandfather should have been there but I was also happy for my uncle, very happy! So now I believe that love can happen to me too. 

I didn’t get him

I’m so amazed by a thing. A man wrote that he and his mother had a talk about this documentary and the mother said that she didn’t get him when she adopted him. She borrowed him. When you borrow things you treat it good, you’re very careful and you know deeply inside that it isn’t yours. That is what many adoptive parents need to compare it with because some people just treat their children like they don’t have a background. They say that they will protect their children but you don’t protect them if you keep them from the truth.  To be a adoptive parent isn’t about loving someone that isn’t yours, it is so much more. You need to love the child and treat the child like it was yours but you always need to know and think that someday the child want to know where the child comes from, where it comes from and why the child is where it is. You’ll be there as a parent to support comfort the child whether it is sad or very happy. The son/daughter will love you if they know you’re honest, you’ll be there for the child even though the child now is 20 and has grown up. I don’t write it because I’m a parent. I write this because I know how I as an adoptee want to be treated

To give up or get up

This Monday I found out something not so funny, I’m not going to pass this semester because I literally failed the internship. The reason was that I was very unsure in my role as a leader and I can’t deny it. Everything is because I’m so unsure about myself, everyone say “Dare to do wrong, everyone do misstakes, believe in yourself ” but I can’t believe in myself to 100%. I have written that a few times I called mom and cried while I said “I can’t do this anymore” . And well… now I believe more in myself than I did before, but not enough.

That’s why I’m shy and that’s why I drunk too much before. My sister said to me “why don’t you talk much when you are with some people, I have heard you and you actually have much too say”, and well that convinced me a bit.

So back to the Monday. I was a bit unhappy but not surprised. I’ve told my friends and my family so they know. They seemed more sad than me and I thought “Why can’t I cry, why isn’t this sad for me?”. The truth is that I can study to a kindergarten teacher ten years it doesn’t matter because i want to be it and I will be it. The only thing that made me cry today is that I still feel insecure and I still hate myself for being shy.

I watched a documentary yesterday about people who were adopted and when they talked about the bad parts, the parts that can be hard to talk about. I recognised myself so much, so I started to cry.

My mom (adoptive mom) called me when I was on my way to my apartment from the kindergarten and she told me that she watched the documentary, she said “maybe they are very negative…” and I said “yeah but very often people always see and hear the good things about adoption”. She told me about one in the documentary who had four children and was adopted from Colombia, her parents gave her the adoption papers on her 18th birthday. Both me and my mom talked about how bad that was by them. They kept a big secret about her and she had to take in all information when she was 18. This woman when she was depressed they told her that she had everything: husband, children, a home and food on the table so why did he even feel depressed. It was like they didn’t even support her at all. The thing that made me very angry and upset is that the father didn’t even want to go to Colombia and discover the country with her… why? because he wasn’t interested about that, he didn’t even think about being there for his daughter.

That’s why I’m very thankful that my parents had supported as much as they could. I remember when I was in Colombia for the first time and I cried like a baby every night and even though my dad din’t understood because I didn’t speak to him, he was there so I could know that he was never going to leave me. My mom (adoptive mom ) is a rock, she talks with us (me and my siblings) about adoption, she support me with money when I want to go to Colombia and the best of all I can talk with both of them about adoption.

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I think this photo says it all. It was taken after we had the big reunion with my family, my brothers family, my sisters family (both mom and dad) and of course my a- mom and dad. I don’t know why but I started to cry when I had to say goodbye to Jhon (even though I was going to stay in Colombia one more week with my bio-family). The whole evening was very emotional and I just wanted to be with my mom for the rest of the day.

Waiting for the romantic feeling

Don’t you just love romance and romantic movies? Well I do… very much. I watched the movie about The young Jane Austen. I thought that movie was very romantic and beautiful. I guess the reason why Jane wrote so many good books is because she experienced A LOT during her short life. Things can be romantic even thought it doesn’t end good. Love is a strong feeling that can make you do crazy things. There have been times you just needed to drink just to have a chance to meet him when you’re drunk. There have also been times when you spent a lot of money just so he good get some many so he understood how much he ment to you. Romantic things that don’t end good can give you experiences and you will learn how to not do in the future or who you shouldn’t meet in the future. As one more positive thing you’ll have the best experiences to write a novel lika Jane Austen.

But sometimes I look back at the past and think that I don’t want a horrible ending of a love story, I want a beautiful love story that will never end. Maybe that is why I’m not interested anymore about making out with any type of guy at the club and that’s why I’m not interested about talking with or thinking about the guys who only want someone to sleep with. I’m over that, I will only pay attention to that guy who treat me good…

Tia again

My other brother, Fabian got a son this weekend, so now I’m an aunt times two. I’m  very happy for my brothers and I’m very happy that they all are ok. The only thing is that I miss them very much and I wish I could go to Colombia whenever I felt for it. But at least I can talk to them when they have a computer or a phone nearby. 

One thing that I think about is that I think very much of that day when I will get my own kids. My adoptive mom bought baby clothes for me when they were in Colombia to get me and those clothes will I save until I get my own kids.