Yeah I know it may be a bit depressing to talk about death, but we’re all are going to die sometimes so that’s nothing strange with that. Just as you think how amazing it is when babies are born and how they grow when you work at kindergarten it is sad to see how old people get weaker and weaker until they can’t do anything but eat and sleep.
I started to think what happens after the death, I can’t say that I’m not an atheist but I’m not that person who go to church every , I’m something in the middle. I believe that people who die come to another place like another dimension. For me it feels a bit weird that they just are going to stop existing, I believe that the dead people can see us but we can’t see them. They will always be there and they will watch how it goes for us. Maybe I just think so because that thought comforts me because in that case my grandfather isn’t totally gone.
I’m not afraid of the death anymore but I have so much to live for. I want to succeed many things before I die. I think the meaning of our lives is to be as happy as possible so when we’re old and we’re near death, we won’t regret anything because we couldn’t make it different. That’s why it’s so horrible when people die young, they didn’t get any chance to success their dreams and well I’m still missing my grandfather and I’m sad that he can’t be here to experience his children’s happiness or grandchildrens happiness. Anyhow I’m sure that my grandfather experienced his happiness, because his happiness was to marry the love of his life and get children and grandchildren.
My mom looks at me and smiles, I ask “why do you look at me like that” she laughs and says that she’s so happy that I’m happy.
A vaccation with the family is supposed to make you feel relaxed and just make you enjoy environment and that the time goes so slow. Well not this vaccation. I stayed up every night with the sound of my grandmother snoring because I couldn’t sleep before saying goodnight to him.
Saturday morning and we all were a bit tired and upset that we were going to leave a such a beautiful place. I was tired but also excited because the same day I were going to meet him.
Train station in Varberg. I went off the train and I walked the short walk to the railway. Then I saw him and I started to smile like I never smiled before.
I’m so happy right now, so happy that I’m crying because he is the man I’ve always dreamt of and he is mine. If there is a god in heaven I thank Him for bringing Filip into my life.
For 21 years I’ve thought that I’m too sensitive, “omg stop crying ebba you’re overreacting “, “what’s wrong with me, I’m a total freak”.
Until some months ago when my mom calmly said “you’re just more sensitive than the others”. She said that with a calm and confident voice like she always had known that I’m more sensitive than my siblings but there’s nothing wrong with that.
This Saturday I’ve got a book from her about highly sensitive persons. I read on the backside of the book and read “HSP”. During that time I was already reading one book so I started to google about HSP and I realized that 1. There are many people like me, therefore I’m not a freak 2. There are researches about it, scientists that have studied the brain.
So what’s HSP? Well I can explain how I am and behave.
- I can cry only because I’ve seen a sad movie or heard a sad song.
- I can cry because I think that I know what people think about me and I think they have something against me.
- When someone says that I should do something and then one more thing I should do I get overwhelmed.
- In one hour I can both cry and laugh of happiness and I don’t know why I’m reacting the way I do.
- People tend to feel that they are more close to me than I think that they are.
- I can get overwhelmed in a room with people discussing too loud, I think that they are fighting and I feel so bad for it even though they all like each other.
- I can feel the moods in a room, if a person feel sad I feel sad.
- If I go into a room I scan the people more than the furnitures.
I’m so glad that I have a mom who understands me even though I don’t understand me. I can just call her when I’m upset and she calms me. I’m also happy for having a boyfriend who calms me and comforts me even though he doesn’t know what it all is about. I’m so happy for the fact that I’m scientifically is a bit different, I’m not a freak.
When I was younger I used to hang out with myself after school. I wrote poems, I read books or watched movies. Of course I had friends in school and of course I used to be with my sister very much but it didn’t surprise mom if she found me reading a book in the sofa. All that changed when I moved to Varberg, I found people that I had things in common with and I decided to not be that girl who were hiding from people. Yes I enjoy too much to be alone and I feel uncomfortable around new people. After two years in this city I’m not spending so much time alone. I still appreciate the times when I can watch any movie alone or just do something else. But the fact is that I like company, I like to be surrounded by people especially my best friends and my boyfriend.
Dear anybody who is reading this, maybe my mamá, maybe my best friend or anyone else. I have always been hopelessly romantic, I’ve searched for romance in every person, I’ve been hurt and I’ve done things I regret but you know what?
There’s one person that make me forget about everything. He is treating me like a princess and I can’t stop looking into his beautiful eyes. I love him, I love his soul. I love how he always tells me that I need to eat, I love how he look into my eyes with that special smile.
He is the one that can go to my apartment at night just to comfort me because I’m sad. He makes me so happy and I feel so special when I’m with him.