Social anxiety

What does it called when you fear for meeting people you don’t know and feel people staring at you when you’re going through the city where there are a bunch of people?

Two years ago. It was summer and I was invited to a gathering on the cliffs. I was nervous for many reasons but one of them was the fact that I didn’t know any of those people. I felt misplaced and insecure. I had some wine, I drank so this anxiety of being with people I didn’t knew would disappear. I drank and I drank, suddenly there was no wine left. The next I remember is that I couldn’t come in to any pub or nightclub. I went home. I forgot the security code to the house, I couldn’t find my keys. The next day I woke up in my bed and I felt so confused and disappointed, the evening should have been funnier if I remembered it.

Nowadays I don’t drink that much and I don’t party with people I don’t know.

I still have that anxiety of being with people I don’t know and I need to fix that. I start to cry when many people I don’t know start to talk with each other. I feel misplaced and lonely. That’s not shyness, that is social anxiety.

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6 years later

6 years ago I found her. my biological mom. I remember how I froze when she wrote to me “is this real? Is this my mom? Did my dream come true?”. I was in a bubble the whole day. It felt so surreal when I have found what I’ve been searching for my whole 16 year old life. She was finally there on a screen in front of my eyes. My sister broke that bubble and asked me what was wrong, she know me so good so she could see that invisible bubble. I told her and she cried, that was then I realised that this is pretty emotional.

Six years later. I’m an aunt, and I have now four brothers. I am very proud to be a sister and to have them as my brothers. I have met them many times and I have photos of them on my wall. I don’t know how I should celebrate this day. I just want to appreciate them so much even though they are far away. Nothing can ruin this day, no one can ruin this day. Because I feel so much love for my families. Yes both families for what they have done for me in different ways. I am lucky and I love them very much.

I got a thought. Life is a gift, so it’s better to do something with it instead of cry about the few bad things in life. For some reason I celebrate with Italian music.

My computer smells like popcorn and I’m frustrated

I’m sorry for not so many posts this weekend, the reason? well: I studied, my boyfriend spent his last week in my apartment before he needed to move to another city because he got his degree in composite technology (woop woop) and I need to study very much until the summer is beginning. So why am so frustrated?

  • Apparently it is very hard to get a drivers license in Sweden and I just want one.
  • My boyfriend is moving away from me, but I know that it will only be like this until I’m getting my degree.

Uhm yeah so it feels a bit lonely here and I can’t concentrate. I should study but who can do that when all you wanna know is if it’s possible to go by bus to him this summer since I don’t have a drivers license.

Please don’t leave me

I saw a movie, the Iron Lady. I learnt a lot from it like you shouldn’t give up just because you’re a woman. The most important thing I will bring with myself is that her husband died long before her, on her old days she was feeling lonely. I kind of feel bad for my grandmother and I hope she really is happy. I hope my boyfriend will be in my life until I die, well that’s selfish, can’t we both die during the same time? Like in the notebook ? Yeah I’m naive and a bit emotional. He is my rock and I hope he’ll be in my life forever because I need him. I need him even though I’m happy, I need him when I’m moody and I need him when I feel lonely.

A love story about a dog

Yes I’m going to write about a dog, the dog I’m going out with three days in a week.

It all started when I saw an ad, it was a woman who wanted some help with her dog. I wrote since I miss my parents dogs when I’m not with them and I needed to exercise. She called me very fast and then it was decided.

When I met Freddie (the dogs name) for the first time, he was shy and a little bit careful. Actually he was like me and I liked him, now I feel like the time when I’m walking with him is the best, both mentally and physically.

My head doesn’t feel 100% but I missed him, so I decided to walk with him and I don’t regret it even though it took all my energy. He is one of a kind, he is Freddie.