Dear my grandpa

I know that you can see me wherever you are. I dreamt about you and that made me feel like you still are here when I need you. During this time I need you to be near me because one little dream about you gives me strength and hope that everything will be great again, that I will be great again. You make me believe in myself and that’s what I need.

I’ll always miss you but I know that you’re will be in my heart and the memory of you will never fade.

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That’s why I haven’t been able to write

I don’t want you all to feel sorry for me, I just want to make you aware of this. I haven’t felt so good during this past time.

Anxiety is the worst. You know when you see a cartoon and the animated figure has one angel on one shoulder and one devil on the other shoulder. Well I have a devil on mine, the angel is gone. I can be happy and then something don’t go as planned and all the negative thoughts start to go through my mind. Outsiders I am a positive person and I am that too in my mind when things distracts me from myself. Then I sit there lonely or with someone but the negative thoughts return. Before I used to think that it is better to just say that I’m just tired or stressed but I feel quite unhappy when I should be happy, when everything is perfect and there are space in my mind to be preoccupied. I get worried for the most ridiculous things.

5 things about me and my frenemy anxiety

  1. I overthink and my brain is working 24/7 so I easily forget things.
  2. I can be happy and laugh when I’m with you but sometimes I just want to avoid everyone.
  3. It doesn’t help with the sentence “don’t worry so much”
  4. Sometimes I rather avoid meeting new people since mentally it is too hard.
  5. I need some control with something since my brain is a mess.

My biological mom

First of all I feel so lucky to have one mom who gave birth to me, she is also the most beautiful woman on earth then I have a mom who raised me to the woman I am today.

My biological mom is the strongest, she gave birth to five children. One of them is still a child and she is working hard to make the best future for him.

She is a fighter like nobody else and I adore her for that. It is her day today and I hope the day is great for her.

Anxiety is like a broken leg but you can’t see it. It hurts and it makes you cry.

I told them. I’ve told my dad and sister that I haven’t felt good these past years. I have explained that it is more than just stress. My dad listened and it feels so good to just have said it. No I haven’t told anyone. I told my boyfriend a few weeks ago, after that I’ve told a friend and now a part of my family. Maybe now is a good time to search help, maybe now is a good time to talk about it with a professional. My aching teeth was the drop, I can’t treat myself like this.

Imperfection

This is what imperfection looks like, I am full of worries and I don’t have any energy to anything. Why? Because I always find things to worry about and now my body is responding to that. No appetite, teeth hurting because I’m biting too hard. Nothing is horrible, everything together is horrible. I just wanted to write the truth about how a students life can be like.

To be back in school

Yesterday I returned to the city where I am studying and today everything began. It feels good to have routines and the fact that I am coming somewhere in my life. I am so motivated and I am ready to do my very best. I have a purpose in life again and I can go to sleep and feel because I have accomplished something during this day!