All my best ideas come from when I let myself think without any distractions. Today a Sunday I cleaned my apartment so I could have any kind of distraction from myself but I can’t escape it my brain wants to make me suffer. When my life is pretty OK , it is messed up in my head. I studied but you know when you can feel your anxiety you just can’t focus and you’re near tears, anger and self distraction so I did a thing that I have learnt from my Swedish mom. I wrote. I asked myself questions on paper, I did a little research and I realised that I need to do something that makes me happy. Something similar like when my boyfriend is fixing his car or when my sister is with her horse. I need to stop think what if, I can’t and It won’t be good. I need to start think that it is my dream and if I try I will at least come somewhere. I decided that from now on I will write a book, everybody need something to do when they not are working and studying. Before i went to the pubs and clubs, I got drunk and then the weekend was over. Well primary I can’t drink because I don’t want my evil headache to come back and ruin my life and second, I don’t want the alcohol to ruin my life. As you know now I like to be alone, yeah I like to spend time with my friends. I like to have a good time with them. On a Sunday afternoon without the one unique person I can be alone with without panicking about being overstimulated, I need to find out what to do. I found out the perfect thing to do, I have always wanted to write a book, I can at least start now, It will take a lot of time. I say to everybody that they need to follow their dreams and now it is my turn to follow my dreams.
Now it’s time for me to write a bit about my brothers in Colombia. I am proud of all of them no matter where in life they are. Two of them have children, one has a daughter and one has a son. I can’t wait to meet them. I have accepted the fact that it was my destiny to live here in Sweden while they live there in Colombia but I can’t deny that I miss them so it hurts. It makes it easier to talk with them through messenger and whatsapp and I was really happy when I saw that Diego had facebook again. Even though I didn’t met them until I was sixteen I love them very much, we are related through blood and they will always be my brothers no matter where in the world they are.
You know when you’re hurt but you’re afraid to say to anyone that you’re hurt and you keep having that empty smile on your face so no one will notice. My headache is gone and that’s great but if I keep overthink the same memory over and over again I swear I will need to rest five more weeks.
I hate to rest when I’m forced to rest, I can’t do anything else so I guess I have no choose. These days in bed when I can’t do anything else affect me in a bad way. I start to overthink everything. My hsp-coach told me that we often remember the bad memories best so that’s why we remember everything more horrible than it was. I hate it, I start to blame myself for doing what I did or saying what I said. I hate that I can’t move forward.
What I hate as much as that is that I have so much to do these days, does God hate me or something ?
A few days later I’m in my bed, trying to sleep alone with a bit vomit in my hair… how did I get here? Why can’t everything stay calm for a while? And why is nothing good ever going to happen to me?
The questions are many but the answers are 0.
A few days ago I was so happy that I met my cousin and her son, I went to the car and was about to sit down when I knocked my head in it, of course it hurts but I thought it would feel better tomorrow. Then it was a day in Sweden which we celebrate for some reason and my boyfriend wanted to go out and party and I didn’t felt for doing it. I was tired and felt dizzy. Yesterday everything felt worse and wasn’t hungry. I was afraid because everybody were so calm and my head felt like a bomb something was wrong. I cried because honestly just wanted to go home to mom so she could calm me down but I didn’t know how. My boyfriend and his mom thought we should go to the hospital so we did…I’ve got a concussion and I could do nothing about it. Today I went home and I’m honestly happy to be in my bed resting because that’s what I need to do but I still want my mom to comfort me and I am stressed about everything. If my life wasn’t good before it is worse right now.
I wish I could say that living by myself will make me need my mom less but that’s not true. I need her the most. I need her when I’m sad and want comfort, I need her when I can’t sleep and I need her when I’m scared. I realize how much I need her right now when my head is aching and I need someone who tells me that everything is going to be fine. Someone who can hug me until I stop crying. A phone call isn’t the same but I’m glad that I can hug her soon in a few days.