Ebba and food?

A year ago I actually ate less than I do now because I guess I eat bad when I feel bad. I hated to cook for myself so I bought food to throw in the microwave and then I convinced myself that it is enough with food for today. The reason was because of anxiety and I actually didn’t care so much about myself. I remember I felt sick and hungry in the evening, my boyfriend told me in the phone that I should eat but I didn’t.

When this year begun I decided to care more about myself, to actually love myself. I rather gain weight than lose weight and I rather eat too much than eat too little.

I agree that me and food have a complicated relationship. Maybe it begins with the fact that my parents made meals that isn’t normal for children to like. It is good but I am spoiled. The second reason is that I didn’t like to cook, I was stressed very stressed before so I rather skipped a meal than took a break with the studying. The third reason is that I felt fat when I was seven, I used to look at my belly wishing I was skinnier.

When I was thirteen/ fourteen people commented my skinny legs and I felt so odd. Mostly because I was adopted but I guess I wanted something in common with the other girls.

I started to eat much so I could gain some weight but nothing happened, I was still skinny. That was why I started to go to the gym when I was eighteen. Muscles were the only thing that made me gain weight and everything went pretty good.

Until I left mom and dad and moved to my own apartment, that was the bad part of my life. I forgot myself.

To be honest I’ve lost my appetite many times. Before when I lost my appetite I stopped eating and starved myself but now I force myself to eat. The lost of my appetite is a sign of that I don’t feel quite good mentally during that part of time so it’s better to start eat and talk about what’s going on in my head.

Now I’ve decided to cook for me and my fiancé. I do me favor and I do him a favor. I have also decided to eat more small meals so I can eat more easier.

If you have problems with food I recommend you to talk with someone and search for help.

The newest photos first, I rather have a little bit fat so I actually can build something from it. The pants from the last photo are so tight so they don’t fit me anymore (sorry Daniela).

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Don’t let the events in the day control how the day will be.

This morning has been hectic, things didn’t turn out the way it should be and I was quite angry about it. I tried to think “at least it is sunny”. After that one more thing happened and one thing again and I was like “really?!”.

Right now I’m stubborn enough to continue with the things I really like.

Let yourself have a bad day but after you have felt sorry for yourself. Don’t get stuck in the bad things, continue with the good things.

A Sunday without anxiety

You know when you wake up with a hangover and you think “this day is going to be tough”. Then you finally find a bicycle you can buy. You find out that there are completely nothing wrong with the bicycle. After dinner you and your fiancé start packing everything from this apartment because it is less than a month until the big move to a bigger and better apartment. Yep this was my Sunday and I hope next week will be great. I hope you had a great weekend and will have a great upcoming week!!!

More crazy than yesterday

I must seem really crazy when I wake up at 6:20 am just so I can go to the gym earlier. I was at the gym 9 am. It takes 40 minutes to go to the gym because I am walking. My boyfriend has the car and my bicycle is where I lived before. People think I’m crazy for walking to the gym but I see that as warming up.

I came home so I could eat lunch and now I’m thinking about what do at the gym tomorrow.

Listen to your whole body not only the brain.

3 months, it took me 3 months or less to feel at home here. In Varberg I never felt that way, maybe because I’m having a more stable life here than I had before.

I have taken a lot of photos here, I have met more people since the weekends are free because I don’t have to book them for my boyfriend.

Most important of all is that we are moving to a bigger apartment and I have three jobs or four it depends how you see it. Sometimes it is better to follow your guts than follow what’s best for your career at the moment.

I will continue with the studies when I’m ready but I have no hurry. You should enjoy your life during the whole journey not only in the end of the journey.

Alone not anymore

For so long time I have been alone, I have chosen to be alone because I didn’t want to get hurt. I was an alone wolf. I had friends around me but I kept a distance so I could choose when and what I wanted to tell them about things in my life. But you know even if you’re alone you can still get hurt by yourself and your anxiety. After that I chose to be close to people but only show one side of me. I was lying to myself and I was so disgusted.

Then I met him, the man who listened to me, the man who respected me and the man who made sure my worries were gone before he could continue with his life. He is the man that I can relax with. He doesn’t care if I cry much (but he wants to see the smile on my face more than the tears). If he hurts me he’s apologizing and make sure we sort it out and he is calm when I’m panicking. I’m so happy that he makes me be less of an alone wolf and I’m so happy that he’s a part of my life. He saved my life in so many ways and I love him for that and for his flaws that make him human. I’m so happy that he will be the father of my children and that he will be a part of future. He completes me like nobody else can.

How my biological mom became my “mamá”

It isn’t everybody who has two moms, well everybody don’t have such a good contact as I have with both of them and I admit I went through a roller coaster before I realised that I can actually have two moms.

It is normal for many adoptees to feel like you can’t have that contact with the birth family because the other family will get hurt. I thought that my mom and dad would be sad if I missed my birth family. It wasn’t until my mom started to talk about my birth family then I realised that my family is their family. So I started to relax and admit that my birth mom is the angel who gave birth to me and then made a decision based on love. My adoptive mom is the mom who raised me and has been by my side through different parts of my life.

I am happy that I got the contact with my birth mom in such a young age because she will be a part in the rest of my life. They don’t play the same role since my adoptive mom knows me in another way and I can talk with her and be with her more often and she has raised me and knows my weaknesses and strengths. I love them both!

When I was younger I was mad about that I will not have the same relationship with my birth family as with my adoptive family but that doesn’t mean I will not have a relationship with them. I accepted the situation. I know now that I have actually two moms both are my moms. I can talk with them about different things, they are both very important to me.